Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition
by RanMouri82
Summary: Light stepped onto the blue stage, but not to deliver any college speeches. Instead, he had been sent packing for a hell of stupidity.
1. Episode 1

**Title:** Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition  
**Author:** RanMouri82  
**Word Count:** 1784  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own SNL, their fabulous skit series "Celebrity Jeopardy!", Death Note, DBZ, Inuyasha, or Lucky Star. If I did, I'd be sipping piña coladas on a beach right now.  
**Characters:** Light/Kira, Ryuzaki/L, Goku, Kagome, and Akira  
**Notes:** Light was sent packing for a hell of stupidity. [Originally published on LiveJournal 5/15/2008]

_Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition_

Applause greeted a sharply dressed young man as he strode onto the glowing, blue stage. In a three-piece suit and shined shoes, he bowed and waved to the audience as if the perfect example of a polite Japanese gentleman. But if any of them could look closer, they would see his pleasant smile was tight and unnatural. To his credit, he wasn't there to deliver any college speeches.

"Hello, and welcome to the first ever _Celebrity Jeopardy: Anime Edition_. My name is Yagami Light."

Instead, Light had been sent packing for hell.

"I'm proud to be your host for the evening—since Ryuzaki volunteered me, and refusing would somehow prove I'm Kira," he muttered under his breath, "so let's introduce our guests—given names only. The first contestant is Goku, a martial arts expert."

Beaming with excitement, Goku waved and shouted as if his orange jumpsuit didn't call enough attention to him. "Hi, everybody! Hey, Chi Chi, I made sure to wear clean underwear, so please make me that steak like you promised, okay?"

Clearing his throat, Light asked, "You like steak?"

"Yup! Gotta have at least three cows' worth at a time!" he replied, holding up four fingers.

Light arched an eyebrow, but continued. "Okay . . . next we have a high school student named Kagome."

"Inuyasha!" chirped a bright-eyed brunette with insanely long legs.

"Really? The card says your name's Kagome, so—"

Kagome nodded, but fearfully crouched behind her podium and cried, "Inuyasha!"

"Is there a dog loose in the studio?" he asked, glancing left and right.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome yelled, jumping to her feet and blushing hot pink.

"Uh, yeah." Light took a mental note that she might be legally insane and a threat to society, and therefore killing her would be both beneficial _and_ enjoyable. "Last there's—"

"Me! _Oha-Lucky!_" said a tiny girl, her red hair pulled into a perky ponytail. She winked at the audience, and a star flew out of her eye.

To everyone else, it seemed Light asked no one in particular, "Wait, isn't she below some kind of age limit?"

But from the audience, a giant pair of glowing eyes—actually Ryuzaki—answered. "She's not quite as young as she looks, but you're not allowed to reveal her true age," he mumbled into Light's concealed earpiece, his mouth half full of cake. "Those were her conditions for appearing on the show. Is that alright?"

Resisting the urge to grunt at the sound of Ryuzaki's muffled slurping, Light answered, "Sure, whatever." Raising his voice again, he said, "Last, we have junior high student and TV personality on the infomercial _Lucky Channel_, Akira."

"Even if it's very hard, I'll try my very, very best, so pwease be patient," Akira said, peeking shyly behind the sleeves of her oversized school uniform.

Light twitched. "Okay . . . let's play Jeopardy!"

A score of television screens that were mounted against the wall beeped and flashed, revealing the categories as Light read them.

"The Jeopardy categories are:

'Potent Potables'  
'Dog Demons'—

Apparently every answer to this category is 'Inuyasha'." Light gave Kagome a sidelong glare. "Wonder why—

'Black or White'  
'Cookies'  
'Does This Have a Hole In It?'  
'Spell What's on the Screen', and  
'Things That Are Yummy'.

Goku, please pick a category."

Goku stared at the screens, wide-eyed. "Gosh, I've never had to pick anything like _this_ before! It's always, 'Should I eat thirteen or twenty bowls of _udon_, or do I go Super Sayajin, or Super Duper Triple Scooper Sayajin, or—'"

A large drop of sweat slid down the back of Light's head. "How about 'Things That Are Yummy' for 400? The answer is . . . 'Poop'. Is this yummy?"

Goku focused on the screen, gripping his podium so hard he cracked the edges. Kagome also concentrated so deeply with a finger to her lips, it made her look rather cute; Akira, watching her, muttered something that ended with, " . . . flashed her panties to get here." But nobody buzzed in.

It was unbelievable. Slumping out of his pin-straight posture, Light said, "Nobody knows if poop, a.k.a. _feces_, is yummy or not?"

Then Kagome hit her buzzer.

"Thank God—I think," Light muttered. "Kagome?"

Kagome clasped her hands and gently whispered, "Inuyasha."

" . . . Not the right category."

Goku buzzed in.

"Have an answer?" Light asked.

Goku nodded, grinning from ear to ear. "What is 'yes'?"

Light's mouth unhinged. He turned from the screen—to Goku—and back—and said, "No, that's wrong."

"Really?" Goku asked, blinking. Rubbing his neck, he said, "Gosh, this one's tough. It's like the time I battled Freeza, and after I powered up to about—"

"Anybody else?" Light groaned.

Ignoring him, Akira dug a cigarette and an old lighter out of a pack strapped to her upper arm, then started flicking the lighter without success.

"Er, let's just move on," said Light. "Kagome, you pick—never mind, we'll go with 'Dog Demons' for 5,000." He read, "He is the title character of Takahashi Rumiko's manga series, _Inuyasha_."

Goku buzzed in. "Is it Maijin Buu?"

And Light planted his face on the floor. "No."

Then Akira, having finally lit her cigarette, buzzed in.

"Sorry, but there's no smoking in here," Light said, feeling his dignified façade slipping fast.

Instead of putting it out, Akira took a drag and blew thick smoke in Light's face. "I've had a long day, alright? Don't give me a hard time, kid, or you'll regret it."

"That goes for _both _of us," Light said, clenching his jaw. He took a deep breath and mumbled, "Just stay calm . . ."

"Eh? You like talking to yourself?" Akira said, with a dopey grin, as she cradled her chin in her hands and took another drag. "If you wanna take the edge off, I got a guy on speed dial that can help you out after the show."

A vein on Light's forehead pulsed. He finally shouted to Kagome, "Just buzz in already! You know this one!"

Nodding, Kagome buzzed in, and then pointed to empty air and shouted, "SIT, BOY!"

A sonic boom emanated from her voice that was at least 5.3 on the Richter scale, knocking everyone onstage but Goku flat.

"Wow!" Goku cried. "Are you part-Sayajin, too? My son Gohan—"

Before he could go any further, Light wobbled to his feet and said, "Let's just try 'Does This Have a Hole in It?' for 200." While he shook his spinning head, the screen displayed a strawberry sprinkled donut. "Does this donut—with a giant hole in the middle—have a hole in it?"

Akira buzzed in.

"Yes?" Light said, with a sigh of relief.

Akira, returning an acid glare, said, "Is it Amane Misa?"

Glancing again at the category and picture, Light blinked. "Huh?"

Bouncing on a restless leg, Akira took one last drag of her cigarette and crushed it into her podium. "That little tart thinks she can horn in on my business. I started _years_ before her, and I'm a heck of a lot cuter."

"What does that have to do with the question?" cried Light.

Akira smirked. "Bet she's some 'hole', right? That's all she's good for."

Light stared, expressionless, and said, "That makes absolutely no sense . . . I think."

Then, Kagome buzzed in.

"Kagome?"

Growling with anger, Kagome leaned over her podium on tiptoe and yelled, "Inuyashaaaaaaa—"

"You know what? Let's skip the 2nd round and go straight to Final Jeopardy!" said Light, fumbling through his cue cards to the end. "And the category is . . . 'Laser Discs'. Huh? Wait, everybody, just write your names down." Dropping to a low grumble, he added, "and get this over with."

Sirens suddenly blared and the studio was flooded in flashing, red light.

Light yelled over the noise into his earpiece. "Ryuzaki, what's this, a fire alarm?"

Calmly, Ryuzaki replied, "No, it's a Kira alarm. The rules expressly state no full names will be given."

"Oh, r-right, forgot about that," Light said. _Dammit!_

Akira slapped her buzzer and yelled, "Hey, can I leave yet?"

"No. That was just a fire alarm test, or something," Light said, laughing nervously as the sirens stopped, the normal lighting returned, and the audience's whispers died down. "Instead, for Final Jeopardy, write a question mark. You need to write nothing else, just a _question mark_, to get this right."

The _Jeopardy!_ theme music played while Goku practiced fighting stances, Kagome plopped her enormous yellow backpack onto the podium and dug through it, and Akira pasted a silly smile on her face, chewed on the back of her pen, and wrote.

"Let's see how you all did," Light said, striding toward Goku when the music finished. "Goku wrote—nothing."

Goku was stunned. "Wasn't I supposed to do the _kueistein markku_?"

Light slapped his own forehead. "How much did you wager? Nothing. Well, nothing lost, nothing gained but a fake martial arts move," he said, dripping with sarcasm as he turned to Kagome. "How about you, Kagome? Hmmn, also nothing."

Kagome winced and said, "Sorry, I couldn't find a pen."

"Setting aside for the moment how you were supposed to use the podium's pen, you can talk _normally?_" he replied, mouth gaping.

Blushing, Kagome pulled the brick-heavy backpack onto her shoulder and said, "Yes, but the writers give me a dinky ration of them every day, and now I just ran out, so—_Inuyasha!_"

"Riiiight," Light said, though he crossed her off his Kill List™. "And last, let's see what Akira managed to come up with."

With a snort, Akira said, "What kind of pansy name is 'Light', anyway? Did your mom dip into the nose candy while she was preggers?"

"What the _hell_—gah, never mind!" Light cried, summoning all his ability to not blow a gasket. "Your answer was '?' The first correct answer of the show, so at least there's that. And you wagered—what the heck is this?"

The bottom half of Akira's screen rolled back to reveal two sets of diagonal, parallel lines extending from beneath two half-circles; the end result looked like a spread pair of legs.

Akira curved her lips into a sly grin. "Don't play innocent, pretty boy. I heard about the time you spent in lockdown."

At that moment, Goku's tummy released a loud growl; he leapt over the podium, ran to the board, and knocked on the screen with the donut. "Could I have five dozen to go? It's gonna take a whole minute to fly home!"

Steam began to curl from Light's ears. "Well, that's about all the time we have_—forever_—so good night!"

"Bye-_ni_!" Akira cried, winking once more her starry wink. That done, she fished for her cell phone and dialed her dealer.

And as soon as the _Jeopardy!_ theme started to play and the closing credits rolled, Light whispered, "Hey, Kagome, can I borrow your pen?"

* * *

Hi! This may be the first of many "episodes", but it's still in the planning stage. (Can anyone guess who's Sean Connery?) Also, as my first foray into _all_ of these fandoms as well as my first post in the Death Note category, if I've made any plot/character errors, please be gentle in correcting them. Of course, all the characters are exaggerated. Hope you enjoyed it!


	2. Episode 2

**Title: **Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition, Episode 2  
**Author: **RanMouri82  
**Word Count: **2,189  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Disclaimer: **Saturday Night Live, Death Note, Rozen Maiden, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and Lucky Star do not belong to me. Names have _not_ been changed to protect the innocent.  
**Characters: **Yagami Light, Ryuzaki (L), Suiseiseki, Suigintou, Ikari Shinji, and Kogami Akira  
**Notes: **If at first you don't go insane, try, try again. [Originally published on LiveJournal 5/30/2008]

_Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition_  
Episode 2

Applause rang from the studio audience as glowing stage lights announced the return of _Celebrity Jeopardy! _from commercial break. Striding onstage once more in his pressed suit to stand beside the game board and face three lousy excuses for contestants, Light had the growing suspicion that the studio was filled with criminals—who knew he might be Kira. Who else would cheer to see a man surrounded by idiots? No matter. He'd find a way to kill them later.

Smiling pleasantly with all his skill, Light bowed and said, "Hello, viewers at home and in our studio audience, to the second round of _Celebrity Jeopardy!: Anime Edition_. I'm your beleaguered host, Yagami Light, and I feel safe in saying that because there's no way our three contestants know what the word 'beleaguered' means."

Light's baby-faced nemesis in this game, Akira, picked her ear wax and retorted, "I don't need to know what 'bellygeared' means to know you're a prick."

"_Anyway_," Light said, with a cough, "our first contestant, who managed to score an all time low of -80,000 points in the first round—and who, unfortunately, isn't even human," he muttered, under his breath, "is the Rozen Maiden doll, Suiseiseki."

A tiny vein throbbed in the frilly doll's forehead while her eyes, one red and one green, flashed fire. She stomped on her podium and cried, "That's because you keep asking stupid questions, _desu!_"

"'Stupid is as stupid does'—try to figure that one out," Light said, grinning.

Suiseiseki pouted, mumbling, "Evil human, _desu._"

Light conveniently ignored her. "In the center is a middle school student and NERV trainee named Shinji. He's in second place with -20,000 because he can never decide if he wants to answer."

"You don't understand!" cried Shinji, eyes misting over as he pounded a fist on his podium. "The only way to prove myself is to pilot the Eva! They only praise me when I pilot the Eva!"

Expressionless, Light glanced over his cue card. "I'm sure they do. Our Double Jeopardy catego—"

Out of nowhere, an ashtray whizzed past Light's nose, missing by a millimeter.

"What the hell?!" Light cried, after the ashtray hit the wall and shattered into glass splinters.

Cradling her chin her hands, Akira opened an invisible compartment in the air and grabbed a new ashtray. "Hey, idiot, you forgot someone."

Light blinked, torn between rage and amazement. "D-did you just _throw_ that at me?!"

"Throw what?" Akira said, waving her long, wide sleeves. Giggling sweetly, she winked and a star flew from her eye. "Hee hee! I'm not good at throwing things."

"Right," Light muttered. "Anyway, our reigning champion, holding steady with her lead of no points, is Lucky Channel's own Akira."

Akira waved her arms again, as if she was conducting an orchestra for Romper Room. "_Oha-Lucky~!_"

Light continued, "Here are the categories:

Potent Potables  
Fluffy Bunnies  
OMGWTFBBQ—that was originally going to be 'Acronyms'—  
What Does This Button Do?  
Songs That Begin With 'The'  
An Apple a Day—that's about wise sayings, so we'll just skip it, and  
Say 'Ahh'.

Akira, since you're in the lead, we have to start with you," Light said, barely concealing his sarcasm.

Ignoring Light, Akira frowned at her pinky full of ear wax and flicked it on Shinji. Recoiling in horror at the ear wax on his bland, white shirt, Shinji buried his head in his hands and trembled.

Light groaned. "I mean, Suiseiseki."

Suiseiseki stared at him for a moment. "You're still an evil human, _desu_."

Clenching his fist and steadying the throbbing vein on his own forehead, Light spun to face the board and said, "How about 'What Does This Button Do?' for 800. The answer is 'The "On" switch'. What does the_ 'On' _switch do?"

To Light's mounting frustration, Suiseiseki played with her hair ribbon, Shinji hugged himself, and Akira fiddled with her eye boogers; but then, Suiseiseki suddenly flushed with inspiration and buzzed in.

"Yes?" Light sighed.

Suiseiseki cheerfully grabbed a large, wooden case out of a subspace pocket, rummaged inside it, and produced a golden key. Dozens of pink sparkles surrounded her in her joy as she shouted, "Here's an 'on' switch, _desu!_"

Light glared at her, his eyes burning with a small, yet growing hate. "Every moment, I understand less and less what you're talking about. Anyone else? Shinji?"

But Shinji still stared, transfixed, at his buzzer.  
_  
Does he think the thing's going to come to life and eat him?_ Light thought, but instead, he said, "Come on, what does the 'On' switch do?"

Akira tugged a fresh cigarette out of a pack with her lips, and then buzzed in.

"Great," Light said, surprised at his own relief. "What's the answer?"

Wiggling the cigarette in her mouth, she said, with a muffled laugh, "Gimme a light, would ya? Get it? Light?"

Light slumped forward. "Yes, actually, I do. I'm the only one who gets _anything_ around here."

"Don't be so sure," replied Akira, winking, though this wink was far more seductive. "Just ask your dad. He's hot for an old fart, and pretty damn good—if you know what I mean."

Light's writing hand twitched. "Let's move on to—"

"So that's the way it's going to be?" cried Shinji, out of nowhere. He flushed so red, it looked like he was on the verge of an aneurysm. "You're just going to ignore me like everyone else does? I didn't ask to come here! You think I'm useless—"  
_  
This must be L's plan to break me_, Light thought, rubbing his sinuses. _He's psychotic enough_—"Shinji, you didn't press your buzzer."

Hopping onto Shinji's shoulder and giving him a light slap in the face, Suiseiseki chimed in, "The evil human's right, _desu!_" She chortled softly, and added, "Bet your tree's smaller than Jun's, _desu_. You're such a pathetic human that weeds are _choking_ it, _desu!_"

Shinji bent forward and dug his nails into the podium.

"Before we're interrupted again, let's try 'Say "ahh"' for 10,000," Light said, straining his last nerve to keep his voice steady. "The answer is, 'Say "ahh"'. I repeat, all you have to do is open your mouth, breathe in, breathe out, and make the sound, 'ahh'."

Suiseiseki jumped onto Shinji's buzzer and buzzed. "Oooooo—"

The last nerve snapped in Shinji, who grabbed Suiseiseki's neck with both hands and started shaking her. Immediately, familiar red flashes and sirens went off in the studio.

Gritting his teeth, Light shouted over the noise into his earphone. "Ryuzaki, what's with the Kira alarm? It's not Kira this time!"

Ryuzaki gulped several times before answering. Light frowned. The metal clicks on the other end made it painfully obvious that the renowned detective was slurping a sundae. "Don't worry," Ryuzaki finally said, "it's just to defuse the situation."

Seconds later, Shinji released Suiseiseki and clapped his ears shut. "_Stop it! It's the Angels!_"

Quickly recovering, Suiseiseki reached into her invisible storage space, whipped out a golden watering can, and whacked it across Shinji's head. As soon as he slumped onto his podium, unconscious, the blaring sirens faded to silence. Suiseiseki took the opportunity to make faces at him, while Akira, in a rare show of support, made a few vulgar gestures that had to be blurred onscreen.

"Light, before you continue," Ryuzaki added, between licking noises, "I find it interesting that you were so sure that violent episode didn't involve Kira. But don't let that concern you; the chances of you being Kira are only up by 1%. By the way, you should try this crushed Oreo topping. It's very good."

Light grumbled to himself and breathed deeply through his nose. _Son of a—_

"I'd better get paid extra for this," Akira mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"Just pick the next category," Light snapped.

Lighting her cigarette, Akira blew a lazy smoke ring, and then said, "Okay, okay. I'll take 'A Nipply Day' for 800."

"Where do you see that?" said Light, who scanned the board, knitting his brow in confusion. The reason soon became clear. "Wait, you idiot, that's 'An Apple a Day'!"

Akira gave him a smug grin and lifted her dirty ashtray like a shot put. "Looks like 'A Nipply Day' to me."

Light's mouth opened and shut several times before muttering, "Whatever, let's just get this over with. The answer is—oh no . . . ."

A bright blue square revealed the answer: "The Pen is Mightier".

Suiseiseki puffed her cheeks with excitement and buzzed in.

Light nearly collapsed as all tension drained from him. Running his fingers through his hair, he said, "Phew, that was close. Yes?"

Striking a victorious pose with her hands on hips, Suiseiseki cried, "Father, _desu!_"

Light stroked his chin in thought, wondering if fudging the rules would make the damn show end already. "Hmm, Bulwer-Lytton _did_ have children—"

To his shock, Akira spit out her cigarette and smacked the buzzer so hard it cracked. "What kind of idiot do you think I am?"

"E-excuse me?" Light stammered. "Bulwer-Lytton—"

Akira snorted. "Who's Bulwer-Lytton? The guy was _Sean Connery_."

Light longed to get his hands on the Death Note—or vomit.

"Look, just because you missed out on The Penis Mightier doesn't mean you need to get your panties in a wad, pretty boy," Akira said, jerking a thumb toward Shinji, who was still draped over his podium and drooling. "The uke's out cold. He won't know the difference."

Through gritted teeth, Light said, "Bulwer-Lytton's quote reads, 'The pen is mightier than the sword.' It was a line from a play, and it means the written word can be used to much greater effect than any weapon. It has the power to influence, persuade, dominate, manipulate, and even determine the minute details of your _miserable, painful dea_—" He gasped, realizing what he was about to say. _Dammit! _"I m-mean . . . ."

The communicator in Light's ear crackled to life.

"Interesting speech, Light," said Ryuzaki. "Please continue."

As Light gave a nervous laugh, several drops of sweat slid down his cheek. "Let's skip to _Final Jeopardy!_, okay?"

Just then, Shinji woke up. Lifting himself onto his feet, he staggered, shook his head, and wiped his mouth clean.

"Oh, great," Akira muttered. "Welcome back, Drama Queen."

Suiseiseki shrank behind her podium and batted her lashes at Light. "Don't let the evil human get me, _desu!_"

"Wow, what a studio!" Shinji cried. To everyone's surprise, a huge smile spread across his face as he blinked and gaped at the multicolored lights and the camera crew. "I wonder where Rei, Asuka, and the others are." Spotting Light, Shinji bowed and said, "Sir, excuse me, but have you seen my friends? We were separated when the Angel showed up, so I'm kinda worried about them."

Light arched an eyebrow. "Suiseiseki, how hard did you hit him?"

With a snort, Akira lifted her skirt, removed a flask strapped to her thigh, and then proceeded to chug it. "Nah, he beamed in an alternate version of himself. So sweet, it makes me wanna puke."

"Forget it, we were about to announce _Final Jeopardy!_, anyway," Light continued, deciding to repair his damaged brain later. "The category is 'Stick Your Tongue Out'. Just do what it says—and remember this is a family show. First, Suiseiseki—"

But Suiseiseki, having crept into view, was busily munching on the brownish gray contents of a plastic baggie.

Draining the last of her flask, Akira felt around and said, woozily, "Hey—hic!—where'd my mushroom stash go?"

As if on cue, Suiseiseki choked, spun three times, and collapsed. Lying splayed on her back with her tongue hanging out, she would have looked comical if a brilliantly shining crystal had not zoomed out of her chest.

Light jumped back and shielded his eyes from the light—in a classic case of irony. "Gah!"

"Does that power the Evangelion?" Shinji asked, reaching toward the crystal to poke it.

"Hey, you, you're kinda hot," Akira slurred in Shinji's ear, apparently having other things on her mind. Despite his blushing, stammering, and squirming, she threw her arms around his neck and said, "C'mere—"

Before Akira could molest Shinji, however, a torrent of black feathers swirled onstage, battering cast and crew and freeing Shinji from the girl's viselike grip. Malicious giggles filled the air and, before Light could react, a gothic lolita doll flew into the studio and landed on his head. A smile played on her pale face, and she said, "You thought you could defeat me to become Alice? Now _you're_ junk! Ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . !"

"Hey, what the hell—" Light spluttered.

Stuffing his mouth with another rain of feathers, the silver haired doll swooped over the overdosed Suiseiseki, snatched her crystal, and flew away. Within moments, her peals of laughter faded into silence.

"Ha! That's an Eva?" Akira laughed, making everyone jump, "So you—hic!—pilot a doll, Shinj? You're a perv from NERV. Heh, nervy perv . . . ."

Light spit the feathers from his mouth and knocked them out of his ears, defeated. "Goodnight."


End file.
